I see why people stay in unhealthy relationships for much longer than they should. Its a scary thing to be alone. Well, maybe being alone isn’t supposed to be so scary. I realize at 23, most people have been single for a good chunk of their young adult lives. I, however, had yet to experience this lifestyle. Up until now anyways.

Some say I’m unrealistic, far too idealistic, and what I am searching for is reserved for on-screen romance. They scream in my ear that I am a fool for expecting a guy to wait around for something as readily available as sex. Supposedly, I am stupid to believe someone will remain faithful to me without this “essential” component. I am stupid to EXPECT someone to remain faithful. Please. If no-sex is a deal breaker, then he isn’t worth my time. And its funny, I guarantee I am far more sexual than most and more open to sexual experiences, as well. I will make sure that when I do have sex, it will happen very often and he will be entirely satisfied in every way imaginable. I am absolutely certain that this will be the case. Mark my words. However, I refuse to share that side of me with someone who merely seeks instant gratification. In my opinion, it is reserved for someone who means a hell of a lot more. It’s meant for someone who yearns for something much deeper than that. I am not a conquest, and I will not place myself in a position where he can whisper sweet nothings into my ear in hopes of sleeping with me. I will never once have to question whether his words are truthful. After all, if sex is THAT big of a deal, he wont stick around long enough for me to wonder. He will flee, and I will not be fooled. In that case, he’s not worth a passing glance, at least not from me.

I’m a virgin, and I don’t intend on changing that any time soon. Deal with it or leave me alone. Its so simple really.

Honestly, I believe I know what a healthy relationship looks like. I know what a relationship needs in order to thrive. I, also, know that most people ARE capable of having healthy relationships. It isn’t a difficult concept. Couples need to be so intune with one another. Nothing should be self-seeking. If both are willing to put in 100% in order to make the other happy, then there is no reason to be self-seeking, because both’s needs are being taken care of. Communication cannot die, interest cannot fade, and passion must be maintained. Patience, commitment, honesty, and trust…these are essential components. One should never attempt to change the other; rather, the change focus should be inward. If both parties are changing themselves in order to benefit the relationship, then the relationship will flourish. Finally, acceptance is absolutely necessary. A relationship will never be perfect. This isn’t Hollywood. One cannot be idealistic about the other. Annoyances will surface, conflict will undeniable occur, and misunderstandings are inevitable. But, when you truly love someone, you accept all of that person. When you truly love someone, you are willing to put in the effort needed for a thriving relationship. And when you truly love someone, you will let that person go if its necessary. As I said before, love is not self-seeking. You learn to care about the other’s happiness more than you’re own. Seeing that person happy, whether it is with or without you, is all that matters.

I can’t say I’ve mastered this. It is so difficult not to be selfish when it comes to love. But this is also why I am single right now and, perhaps, will be for a long time. I can’t imagine myself truly happy with someone without all that I mentioned. Call me idealistic. I don’t care. I know this is attainable, and I feel sorry for you if you don’t. I guarantee if you dont have what I mentioned, then you’re not happy in your relationship either. You’re searching for something more.

I must also keep in mind that I’m going to get hurt. This is inevitable, as well. Who am I kidding? I AM hurt. I am miserable right now. Perhaps, everyone is right, and I do idealize more than I should. And my god, is it disappointing when I find out that ne’s just not what I thought he was. Even worse, when I know who he is, and I know he’s on the same page with what he wants…yet he’s not willing to recipricate…to give that 100% back to me.

That’s when I have to accept that maybe I’m just not good enough. I am not the ideal in his eyes. I am not worth the effort.

Its a blow to the chest. Rejection at its best. He may not feel he’s rejecting me, but its what’s happening really.

Because when you find her…suddenly, you’ll have energy you didn’t know you were capable of having. You’ll feel motivation for the first time in a long time. You’ll yearn for her presence, her voice, her touch, her smile. The effort you didn’t have with me, you will put forth to keep her.

I could be wrong, you know. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not always right. Sometimes, I hope I’m wrong.

“I think I’ve already lost you. I think you’re already gone. I think I’m finally scared now. You think I’m weak, and I think you’re wrong.”

I do feel alone these days. Maybe, alone isn’t such a bad thing. I feel pain, but at least I feel something.

I’m convinced of this.

I don’t know what I’ve been doing lately, but this can’t be right. Love isn’t supposed to be a constant struggle. It’s not something you should fight to hang on to. It’s not about winning, its about cooperating. Being in love doesn’t involve worrying about what will go wrong; rather, it is about having faith that things will end up alright. No one plays games, because its more important to have the other’s best interest in mind at all times. Loving someone should not leave you feeling helpless; it should empower you to feel as if you can conquer anything. When you truly love someone, you shouldn’t have to hold back, because being in love is about risking everything.

Nonetheless, love is this constant source of pleasure and pain. One moment you feel alive, the next your heart hurts so bad its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. To me, its essential to feel both. There’s the passion of being near the other, and the agony of being apart. It’s this constant yearning for one another; its those two words I’ve always used to describe a component of love that must occur for passion to exist at all between two people.

I’m not living in a fairytale world. I know this exists, because I’ve felt it more than once now. But Lord is love complicated. Perhaps, I go about it more guarded than I should, but I’ve felt pain so stongly as a consequence of being in love before. I felt pain I didn’t know I was capable of experiencing. Back then, I was riskier with my heart. Too risky. I was careless, I messed up bad, and I couldn’t forgive myself for doing it. I watched myself rip him apart, and I was too naive to realize what I was doing. I was stupid, so very stupid, for thinking I could be so carefree about love. Basically, I’ve gone from not thinking at all to doing all I can to avoid making a mistake. I’m cautious, because I don’t want to fall apart like that again. More importantly, I’m cautious so that I don’t put anyone else through what I experienced.

It takes a lot for me to fall in love. But once I fall, he has a strong hold on me. He is not easily shaken. Perhaps, he’s never shaken. Its scary how a girl like me who thinks she can handle anything can be torn apart so easily by a boy she’s fallen in love with.

I shouldn’t have to remind myself that my life isn’t a Hollywood movie. People are much more complicated and stories don’t always end happily. I have to say, sometimes I wish it were that simple. That the risks you take turn out in your favor, that when you get hurt someone is just around the corner to save you, that falling in love is quick and remains in a state which induces perpetual happiness for both, that pain is only temporary, that you never look back wishing you wouldn’t have given up, that you never look back wishing you gave him the chance to be everything you’ve ever wanted. To know your choices are for the best and you don’t doubt for even a moment.

Perhaps, the fairytale is what I’ve always longed for. That fairytale is a cop-out, really. Because reality is anything but the fairytale…I’m no princess…there is no knight in shining armor…passion doesn’t last forever…and just because I dream for something so much, it doesn’t mean I’m meant to have it. Someone always gets hurt. People don’t wait around forever. Love grows stale. I wont always be so endearing. Maybe he wont be either, if he even exists. I was never certain of much, except that he would exist for me someday. Now, I’m not so sure anymore. You know why? Because, I expected him to be like me; I don’t give up on anything I have faith in. Yeah, I’m indecisive as hell when it comes to love to ensure it is real and I am not being fooled by temporary infatuations. But I never shut the door entirely on anything that feels real. I can’t. I didn’t think he could give up even if he wanted to, either.

But, I’m reminded again that this life is not a fairytale. In reality, Prince Charming does give up. He already has.

I feel relaxed for the first time in a very long time. It is amazing how much stress graduate school has brought me this year...the fact that I notice a huge difference between my normal self and my relaxed self is a good indication that I just need to chill out :)

I totally Aced Steven's final...which, means I Aced his class. Which means, I have improved in his classes. Which means, I am awesome.

I'm totally done with my first year of graduate school. Which means, I am, again, awesome.

I now have the next week and a half to do nothing. I'm not going to work on my thesis like I should, because I'm giving myself a break from school. I'm not even notifying my job at home that I'll be coming home, because I really would love to have zero obligations for the next week or so. I'm going to be selfish this week and do what I want to do. Visit awesome people. Visit my awesome Dad. See my awesome brother who's visiting from Vegas. Read an awesome book (cork118 is scowling at me I can tell). Think about not so awesome things, but that's okay. Maybe I'll finish my potentially awesome song. Who knows. Who cares. I dont have to worry about school, which is...awesome.

Oh and my birthday is Saturday. Holla.

When its all said and done, I think I'll be the one getting burned.

John Keats (1795 - 1821) led a short but brilliant life. At the age of 23 he met and fell in love with Fanny Brawne, literally the girl next door. Tragically, doctors had already diagnosed the tuberculosis which would eventually kill him, so their marriage became an impossibility. This letter, written from Rome less than one year before his death, displays Keats' intense and unwavering love for her.


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25 College Street

My dearest Girl,

This moment I have set myself to copy some verses out fair. I cannot proceed with any degree of content. I must write you a line or two and see if that will assist in dismissing you from my Mind for ever so short a time. Upon my Soul I can think of nothing else - The time is passed when I had power to advise and warn you again[s]t the unpromising morning of my Life - My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you - I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again - my Life seems to stop there - I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I was dissolving - I should be exquisitely miserable without the hope of soon seeing you. I should be afraid to separate myself far from you. My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change? My love, will it? I have no limit now to my love - You note came in just here - I cannot be happier away from you - 'T is richer than an Argosy of Pearles. Do not threat me even in jest. I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion - I have shudder'd at it - I shudder no more - I could be martyr'd for my Religion - Love is my religion - I could die for that - I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet - You have ravish'd me away by a Power I cannot resist: and yet I could resist till I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeavoured often "to reason against the reasons of my Love." I can do that no more - the pain would be too great - My Love is selfish - I cannot breathe without you.

Yours for ever
John Keats

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March 1820
Sweetest Fanny,

You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear Girl I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I lov'd. In every way - even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex'd you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest. When you pass'd my window home yesterday, I was fill'd with as much admiration as if I had then seen you for the first time. You uttered a half complaint once that I only lov'd your Beauty. Have I nothing else then to love in you but that? Do not I see a heart naturally furnish'd with wings imprison itself with me? No ill prospect has been able to turn your thoughts a moment from me. This perhaps should be as much a subject of sorrow as joy - but I will not talk of that. Even if you did not love me I could not help an entire devotion to you: how much more deeply then must I feel for you knowing you love me. My Mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my Mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment - upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate my whole senses. The anxiety shown about our Love in your last note is an immense pleasure to me; however you must not suffer such speculations to molest you any more: not will I any more believe you can have the least pique against me. Brown is gone out -- but here is Mrs Wylie -- when she is gone I shall be awake for you. -- Remembrances to your Mother.

Your affectionate, J. Keats